Archive | August, 2011

Gay Plagues

29 Aug

So, I was listening to Michele Bachmann blather on about God sending a message with the earthquake and the hurricane hitting the east coast.  This was on top of Pat Robertson and a lot of other idiots * claiming the same thing.

Of course, perhaps Robertson’s most famously offensive claim was that God sent Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans because Ellen Degeneres was going to host the Emmy Awards.  While not true, like most good satire, it isn’t far from the truth.  In fact, not long before, Robertson had said “I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you.”  He was talking about “Gay Day” at Disney World.  And you know how Gay Day pisses God off.

So, I got to thinking, if the God of the Old Testament wanted to send a warning to the gays, wouldn’t he break out a series of good old-fashioned plagues?  I mean, there’s AIDS, which has been called the Gay Plague, but God tends to do things in threes, tens and forties, with 10 being his preferred number for plagues.

With that in mind, I have come up with 10 plagues of my own for the Ha-gay-dah I’m working on. Feel free to dip your index finger in your cosmo and dot the edge of your plate as you recite each one after me.

(Note: It’s before Labor Day, so for those of you wearing white pants, DO NOT wipe your finger on your trousers when you’re done.  Keep some seltzer at the ready for your guests, just in case.  Being a bad host is, indeed, a sin.)

Cheap Vodka

Crabs

Back Hair

Love Handles

Baldness

Trolls

Last Call

Cancellation of The Golden Girls

Erectile Dysfunction

Aging

May you all remain dry, safe, healthy and plague-free.

And whether you believe in a wrathful God or not, be kind to people, live honorably and do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.  Oh, and don’t vote for Michele Bachmann or Rick Perry.  Trust me, if God chose to speak to someone directly, it wouldn’t be either of them.

* If you want to hear what a lot of not famous idiots have to say about gay people and natural disasters, check out this link:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/25-idiots-that-blamed-hurricane-irene-on-gay-marri

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“Hurri-gain Irene” Wreaks Havoc on New Yorkers’ Waistlines

28 Aug

Early estimates indicate city gains over 17 million pounds in 48 hours

Although NYC appears to have escaped major flooding or wind damage, early reports show that a diet of snack food and alcohol, combined with the early shuttering of health clubs, has caused the average New Yorker to gain a shocking 2.1 pounds in 48 hours, bringing the citywide total to 17.1 million pounds.

While supermarkets and liquor stores enjoyed an economic boon as panicked and self-serving New Yorkers elbowed one another out of the way for Evian and the last bottle of Bombay Sapphire (gin and tonics appear to have emerged as the drink of choice of the majority of New Yorkers), experts fear that the ongoing health and economic impact may ‘outweigh’ any benefit.

“Every time New Yorkers get fatter my gas mileage goes down,” taxi driver Sanjeep Patel told this reporter on the promise of anonymity.  “I expect it at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but who thought New Yorkers would started getting fat again before summer is even over?  I demand that the Mayor raise taxi fares for the month of September.”

Experts warn that this number may actually be misleading, as seniors were unable to compete in the hoarding frenzy, and are therefore underrepresented in the overall weight gain estimates.  “If you leave out the elderly and other shut-ins, you’ve probably looking at closer to 3 pounds for the average New Yorker,” said sorts nutritionist Heidi Skolnik.

Mayor Bloomberg originally urged New Yorkers to dispose of any leftover snacks quickly and responsibly, but has since reversed his position after city health officials warned him of providing too much temptation to the rats that will be pouring out onto the streets if subway flooding occurs.

“For now,” the Mayor advised “Keep any uneaten food in sealed containers until further notice.”

The Mayor’s office is in talks with local food bank City Harvest to collect unwanted junk food for distribution to the homeless, but local shelters fear backlash.  “What do I want with a half eaten bag of Terra Chips?” asked an incredulous Wanda Jones, a 27 year old mother of three.  “How about a real solution like affordable housing instead of cracker crumbs?”

Elsewhere, on Long Island, damage appears to be even greater, due to the “Sam’s Club Effect.” With some experts claiming an average four-pound weight gain per capita.

“What was I supposed to do?” Staci Gottleib. 24, of Comack shrieked.  “You can’t buy just one bag of Barbecue Potato Chips at Costco.  I had to buy 6, and I ate them all by midnight.”

Staci, who is getting married next weekend, began to shake visibly as she told a group of reporters that she needs to lose 11 pounds by Saturday or she will have to call her wedding off.  “If I get my hands on that bitch Irene, she is going to wish she was never born!”

Paul Lucas, reporting from Manhattan