“Hurri-gain Irene” Wreaks Havoc on New Yorkers’ Waistlines

28 Aug

Early estimates indicate city gains over 17 million pounds in 48 hours

Although NYC appears to have escaped major flooding or wind damage, early reports show that a diet of snack food and alcohol, combined with the early shuttering of health clubs, has caused the average New Yorker to gain a shocking 2.1 pounds in 48 hours, bringing the citywide total to 17.1 million pounds.

While supermarkets and liquor stores enjoyed an economic boon as panicked and self-serving New Yorkers elbowed one another out of the way for Evian and the last bottle of Bombay Sapphire (gin and tonics appear to have emerged as the drink of choice of the majority of New Yorkers), experts fear that the ongoing health and economic impact may ‘outweigh’ any benefit.

“Every time New Yorkers get fatter my gas mileage goes down,” taxi driver Sanjeep Patel told this reporter on the promise of anonymity.  “I expect it at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but who thought New Yorkers would started getting fat again before summer is even over?  I demand that the Mayor raise taxi fares for the month of September.”

Experts warn that this number may actually be misleading, as seniors were unable to compete in the hoarding frenzy, and are therefore underrepresented in the overall weight gain estimates.  “If you leave out the elderly and other shut-ins, you’ve probably looking at closer to 3 pounds for the average New Yorker,” said sorts nutritionist Heidi Skolnik.

Mayor Bloomberg originally urged New Yorkers to dispose of any leftover snacks quickly and responsibly, but has since reversed his position after city health officials warned him of providing too much temptation to the rats that will be pouring out onto the streets if subway flooding occurs.

“For now,” the Mayor advised “Keep any uneaten food in sealed containers until further notice.”

The Mayor’s office is in talks with local food bank City Harvest to collect unwanted junk food for distribution to the homeless, but local shelters fear backlash.  “What do I want with a half eaten bag of Terra Chips?” asked an incredulous Wanda Jones, a 27 year old mother of three.  “How about a real solution like affordable housing instead of cracker crumbs?”

Elsewhere, on Long Island, damage appears to be even greater, due to the “Sam’s Club Effect.” With some experts claiming an average four-pound weight gain per capita.

“What was I supposed to do?” Staci Gottleib. 24, of Comack shrieked.  “You can’t buy just one bag of Barbecue Potato Chips at Costco.  I had to buy 6, and I ate them all by midnight.”

Staci, who is getting married next weekend, began to shake visibly as she told a group of reporters that she needs to lose 11 pounds by Saturday or she will have to call her wedding off.  “If I get my hands on that bitch Irene, she is going to wish she was never born!”

Paul Lucas, reporting from Manhattan


One Response to ““Hurri-gain Irene” Wreaks Havoc on New Yorkers’ Waistlines”

  1. Jodi August 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    My contribution: I think I wolfed down three Happy Herbert’s “extra dark” hard pretzels last night and two bottles of Vitamin Water Zero. I may be a slacker, but at least my slacks (shudder) still fit.

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