So, I was listening to Michele Bachmann blather on about God sending a message with the earthquake and the hurricane hitting the east coast. This was on top of Pat Robertson and a lot of other idiots * claiming the same thing.
Of course, perhaps Robertson’s most famously offensive claim was that God sent Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans because Ellen Degeneres was going to host the Emmy Awards. While not true, like most good satire, it isn’t far from the truth. In fact, not long before, Robertson had said “I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you.” He was talking about “Gay Day” at Disney World. And you know how Gay Day pisses God off.
So, I got to thinking, if the God of the Old Testament wanted to send a warning to the gays, wouldn’t he break out a series of good old-fashioned plagues? I mean, there’s AIDS, which has been called the Gay Plague, but God tends to do things in threes, tens and forties, with 10 being his preferred number for plagues.
With that in mind, I have come up with 10 plagues of my own for the Ha-gay-dah I’m working on. Feel free to dip your index finger in your cosmo and dot the edge of your plate as you recite each one after me.
(Note: It’s before Labor Day, so for those of you wearing white pants, DO NOT wipe your finger on your trousers when you’re done. Keep some seltzer at the ready for your guests, just in case. Being a bad host is, indeed, a sin.)
Cancellation of The Golden Girls
May you all remain dry, safe, healthy and plague-free.
And whether you believe in a wrathful God or not, be kind to people, live honorably and do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Oh, and don’t vote for Michele Bachmann or Rick Perry. Trust me, if God chose to speak to someone directly, it wouldn’t be either of them.
* If you want to hear what a lot of not famous idiots have to say about gay people and natural disasters, check out this link: